ChiTopia

It was on the day my sister was to arrive from France, along with her husband and their two year old daughter.
 
July 31st:
I was at my parents in Laval and my big brother and his wife were there too.  It was close to midnight when I accepted my father's friend to give me a lift back to my place on Laurier.
"Sleep over here with us.  We'll have brunch tomorrow morning, spend the day then go pick up Mary in the evening." suggested my older brother.
 
It sounded nice, but I was starting a throat ache and I wanted to sleep in my bed.
I don't like leaving my cat home alone for too long and felt more comfortable sleeping in till noon if I had to, take my shower, dress up nice and be ready mentally, emotionally and healthily for my sister's arrival.

So I headed back home.
Conversation with my dad's friend were about my apartment.  I told him I liked where I was living.  I liked the park close where I can just walk to and around after a meal.
I liked Masson street just one block above that has a bakery, a market, a fruit store, my bank, a super market, a video store etc.
However, my next apartment will have more considerations. For instance, I will need two windows - in order to create a drift of wind when it gets hot.  I'll also like to have a closed bedroom and a little more space in order to keep up my taichi practice.
But all in all, I like my place.  It's just what I need for my present situation.
 
He drops me off, I go home.
My cat greets me, I brush my teeth, it's 12:30am and I get in bed.
 
August 1st:
It should've been 2am or something.  I woke up to the voices or drunk people singing or screaming in the streets.  I tossed and turned and fell back asleep.
 
It should've been 4am or something. My phone started to ring.  I know only family has this number so it surely must've been a wrong international number or something.  I turned back to face the balcony and fell asleep.
 
I got into a dream:
I was in the basement of the building with my landlord.  We were in the room that has the washer and dryer.  I'm not sure why we were down there but he was showing my something about the machines.  I then notice there was a door in that room and it was a little open.  My landlord also seemed surprised and gently pushed the door open.  It was an apartment.  I never knew there was an apartment attached to that room!  There seemed to be an event going on in there.
"A party?", I asked. "Am I invited?"
 
DRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!
My eyes open.
 
akh.. I must've slept in.. but I'm still so sleepy.
Fire alarm.
Another false alert.
I get out of bed automatically.
A second alarm rings (the general one for the building).  My cat gets off my bed and hides in a corner.
I press the mute button and wait for the whole thing to stop.
And wait.
..
and..
wait a minute: Is there a real fire?
 
I head to my balcony and look out, and the woman from the basement's apartment is out on the sidewalk, weeping.
A man stands next to her and starts to scream "Reveillez-vous!! Sortez de l'immeuble, y'a le feu!!"
I extend my head to see, and yep, there's smoke alright; coming out of her apartment.
 
I look up at my clock, it's 5:15am.
okay. breathe.
I head to my door and open it and I see a trail of smoke crawling up the stairs to my floor.
shut door.
okay. think.
The alarm is still ringing.  I must get out of here.  
My cat is miawing in fear of the alarm (It really does ring at a disturbing note).
I head to my closet and open it: I need to get the traveling box I carry my cat in.  It's up there and as I am trying to pull it out. It's jammed.  
The smoke is starting to smell so I start to panic a bit.  In a jerking gesture, I manage to get the box out but it comes undone.
damn it!!
 
I carry it to my bed and try to click it back into box shape but I realize I'm starting to shake now.
"Allah, Allah, Allah, help me through this..."
Not well put together, I still carry my cat and put her in and hold the box closed with both my arms.
"I'll get out on the balcony and wait for the firemen there."
 
Now this summer, I installed the AC on my balcony which eats up much of the space, so I can go out if I turn my body sideways: There was no room for the hard box to make it through.
I push and push then try to open the balcony door by jamming it against the AC but it didn't help.
I leave the box on my bed and go out myself.
More smoke was rising from the basement and the wind was bringing it straight to my balcony.
Couldn't breathe.
 
I go back inside and grab my cat box and go to my door, open it, and woah! The smoke was everywhere!!  And the alarm is still ringing. 
My cat is freaking out.
So am I.
 
I shut the door and head back to my balcony and stick my head out asking the people downstairs "What do I do??"
"Get out of the building!!"
"I can't!!"
"Wait for the firemen!"
"But smoke is coming into my apartment! I can't breathe!"
"Take a piece of wet cloth, put it on your face and wait!"
 
Shou wait?? Smoke is coming in by the second and I'm already feeling my chest take smaller breaths. 
I imagined the whole building collapse since its foundation was burning.
Adrenaline got my instincts into survival mode and I was going to try everything to get out.  I take my cell phone in one hand, grab the cat box under my arm, (still forcing it into place) and head to my main door.

Facing my door is my neighbor's door.  To my right is a door that leads to a corridor to other neighbors' doors.  If I can get to that corridor, I can run for the emergency exit.
That's what I'll do.
 
Phone, cat, box, I open my door and thick dark smoke met me at a very high temperature. I couldn't even see my neighbor's door anymore. It was just a few seconds but I knew I couldn't go back in my home and just had to escape.
I instinctively held my breath but didn't think smoke can burn the eyes like that.
So I close my eyes and blindly let my hand search the wall for a door nob.
It's such a small wall! How could I not find the nob!!!?
 
I gasp and must've inhaled some smoke.  Tears in my eyes, I finally found the door nob. I turn it and run through the corridor, out the other door, down three flights of spiral stairs to the basement, right next to the flames of the burning apartment, run out the back exit and open the emergency door to find myself out of the building.
 
I walk a few steps and sit on the edge of the place.
Looking up, people were also evacuating the building.
My cat is crying, my throat is burning, we are all in pyjama, out in the streets.
 
The firemen arrive and break into every apartment by smashing the balconies open with their axes.  They kick in all the doors and make holes in the walls to create ventilation for the smoke to leave.
The fire is being turned off and I'm out there, with a burning throat.
 
Neighbors came out and were very kind. They brought us chairs, bottles of water. Some offered coffee or tea.
I drank water then looked at the time: 6am.
I call Laval.
 
And the rest of the story involves emptying my apartment because EVERYTHING got covered in soot. Up to the tiniest detail.
Walking back in was horrible.  Seeing what fire (and water) can do to your stuff can leave you crying for days.
What bad timing.
 
Does everything really happen for a reason?
Really???
 
I wish a note comes attached with such situations where I can say "Ah, okay, that's why this happened.. that's why it happened on the morning my sister arrives.. in the month I start classes again.. when I have so little time (and much less energy) to deal with all the clean up."
 
Or is it human nature to crave for meaning?  Just so we don't go mad, we create links that give us a linear meaning and our life therefore makes sense.
 
My brother interpreted the sign as a "Move out" notice.
I would've loved to.  Looking at how the place turned out, moving out was the best option.
But my landlord told me I didn't have to.. that he'd fix it up.  Not being insured, the rest of my personal belongings were up to me (and my mom) to clean up.
My sis was awesome: She and her husband and I went to choose colors and painted the place once it was cleaned up as best as it could be.
 
Reconstruction is one heckuva process.
I've been bitter and bummed since it happened... but yesterday as I left apartment 14, I took a peek at the basement apartment.  It was totally wrecked. TOTALLY!
Two men were working on it.  I crouched and asked how they were doing.
"Alright.  Lots of work to do.. but once it'll be renovated, it'll be the best looking apartment!"
"wow.. you guys have got courage," I said as I looked at how much work had to be done.
"I was ready to abandon the place", I said.
The younger man looked at me with the shovel in his hand and smiled.
"Nah, no need to abandon.  The work will be done, your place will be all new again! And remember: What doesn't kill you, will makes you stronger."
 
I nodded, stood, and wished them a good day.
Headed to the car, sat in, turned it on...
"What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger".  I've heard and even used this phrase quite often in my life.  It's how medicine works : A little poison to build your immune system.
 
But lately, it's been more a case of "I'm not gonna kill you, but I'm gonna exhaust the hell out of you."
 
Patience.  I tell myself over and over again. 
And meanwhile, the work goes on.  Every day, work work work.
 
What a summer!

Weave through me
Polish and refine me
Your signature is already there

Test me
Shake my foundation
Break down what I build
Make me start all over again

I am still breathing

Test me again
Repeat my mistakes
Show them to me
Make me relive them

Until I finally change

Scare me
Make me think I won't make it
Wrap me in a cocoon
I know the drill

Drop me lower still
Tempt me with this world's illusion
I've failed this part over
and over again

And I am still sighing.

Create me
Burn those parts of me
clean and purify me
My signature is also there

Only...
Appear to me every now and then
Give my heart just a sign
Just a hint
Just a drop
Just a tear
Just a grain
...
.

So I can remember why all this is happening
So I can remember where I am supposed to go
So I can feel humble again
So I can love while I grow